I saw a movie called "Something Borrowed" and it made me think a LOT!!! So much to consider. And then a friend sent me an email stating she had a dream of my wedding. She even described my husband as someone looking like Harry Connick, Jr. Not too shabby. :)
So the question has to be . . . where is he? And then what am I doing? Right or wrong? Is this such an elusive process? Why is relationship so difficult?
I've met wonderful men in my life. I realized recently that (other than my Dad and Step-Father) I've had 6 significant relationships with men in my life. These are what I consider the set points.
First there was LL: My first crush on a gay man -- so many to follow but hey -- I was a musical theatre major -- no great shock. I consider consider him a friend even today and we met the summer we were 8 years old. LL was so handsome (still is) -- dark hair and eyes (almost black) and so talented. We sang together and talked about living in NY.
The same summer there was SK. For the life of me I can't find him today -- and I've looked because I am so curious. He was from New Orleans and adorable. He was my 1st kiss and gave me a bracelet with my name on it. I still have it -- from Ghost Town. I never had anything with my name. I've looked on FB and Google'd him but I didn't find anything. I hope he's well. He taught me I am lovable and pretty. I felt so special with him.
Not until I was 17 did I have another significant relationship. And then came BKV. We met at a club (and sure, I shouldn't have been there). It was a scene out of a movie -- I was wearing a black & white striped mini dress and I climbed up into the DJ booth to request a song. Coming down my heel got caught in the ladder and I almost fell, but BKV caught me in his arms. He was 26 and of course I lied about my age. And so handsome. He looked just like Michael Nouri in Flashdance. I was IN LOVE. We met the night before Mother's Day. He was kind and gentle and taught me about love. He made me feel safe. He told me stories about how we'll be together always and I imagined a life with him. But then it was time for me to go off to college but I thought we could still make it work. We tried but it wasn't realistic. We stayed in touch for a while and a few years later we tried to reconnect. I believe I really loved him at 17 but 5 years later, I wasn't the same. I have no idea where he is now but I hope well. I have wonderful memories of that short time together.
And then came DKR. He was my neighbor -- actually lived in my backyard. I was living in a house and he rented the guesthouse. Swarthy and charming (he reminded me of Robert Downey, Jr.). He was single minded about work and having fun but I was looking for a relationship. When I look back I didn't give up and twisted myself all around to be what I thought he wanted me to be. I guess it worked -- he stuck around. So we gave it a shot and the 1st six months were . . . pretty awful. I would have preferred to say they were blissful and joyful. But that would be such a lie. After what I recall was about 6 weeks, he was living a car ride about 3.5 hours away. I think I thought it would be glamorous and we would have fun on weekends, but it wasn't. And so when he came back full time and asked to move in with me I said . . . YES?! What was I thinking -- oh yeah -- I want a RELATIONSHIP and I guess being happy wasn't part of the consideration. To be honest, there wasn't anything special. He didn't do special things. I made the mistake thinking it would become more later. And here's what I know: I can't make something happen when it isn't there. And sex (no matter how great that is) it doesn't make a full relationship. But I let him in -- lock, stock and barrel. He moved into my apartment (I had a new place since we met), into my life and into my heart and I continued to try to make myself into someone he would love. UGH!!!! What was I thinking? Oh -- I was in my mid 20's and I thought I should get married and have a family -- AT ANY COST. There were some good times, but this was not the man for me.
Something recently made me ask the question about why I pick the men I pick so I reached out to DKR and we talked. He said some interesting things. I asked why he didn't pick me -- he went on the marry someone and have a family. And while I know (and this is with the clearest certainty) that we should not have been together, he didn't ask. His answer was kind and generous and much to my surprise, nothing about me (funny how we always think it's about ourselves).
I am grateful for every relationship in my life. There are 2 more to review . . . later.
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