"You have such a good heart."

One of the things of which I am most proud is my ability to create and maintain relationships in my life.  I've said that I measure the success in my life by the relationships I have.  I have built a career on relationships.  I love people -- getting to know them and sustaining a connection.

A blast from my past contacted me the other day.  Nothing new really -- but I'm working on all sorts of things right now and this struck a cord.  He was a love from my 20's.  It was a lifetime ago.  We spent more than 6 years together and I guess at the time I thought we would have a lifetime, but we were not meant to be together -- at all.  He's a decent man but not right for me in any way.  We are so different and I do think there's a point where the differences simply outweigh any hope for something that can work.  K is a good man.  He's living the life he should be living -- married, children and living back home in a small farm town in the midwest.  I remember he told me once that his life's dream was to buy a duplex and live in half and rent the other half.  I knew then -- not for me.  Unless of course this was in Manhattan but believe me, not a chance.

None of this is really important except that I set the stage.  And here we are -- about 15 years since the end of our relationship.  I think we've spoken 3 times in all these years.  I never saw him again.  We both moved on with our lives.  And it's all good.  I wish him all the best.  Yes, we're FB friends, not that it means anything at all.

And then my phone rang the other day -- a number I didn't recognize.  Yes, it was K.  And my curiosity got the better of me, so we talked.  He likes to reminisce about old times and friends.  Honestly, I don't ever give any of it a thought.  I don't live in the past.  What's the point?!  The conversation was fine.  He asked if I'm currently in love, and I said "No!"  And that felt great because the last few years have been so difficult and I thought I wouldn't be able to give up on someone.  But I really have and it feels so much better.

And then he said the thing that really pissed me off:  "You have such a kind heart.  I know you'll find someone."  I guess that's better than "I don't understand why you haven't found someone."  That one is insulting and infuriating but left to another post.

His comment was a back-handed compliment really.  I have such a kind heart, but you didn't want to spend your life with me.  And really, I am so glad we didn't go there, but he didn't ask.  So what is it really?  I do have a kind heart.  I know that.  My friends know that.  So many people know that.

So after thinking about this for the past few days I've decided that I am not going to change who I am.  I will be flattered that they ALL come back in some capacity and think I am such a good person.  And if they don't have enough sense to pick me -- so be it.  And I am going to be ME!!!  There are so many who really do think I'm great and want to be a part of my life.  Thank you dear friends.  I love you!