We're taking a break from working with women in facilities to focus on the growth of the organization and we're conducting a new program. Tonight was session III. It was powerful. I had the pleasure of spending 3 hours in a gorgeous conference room overlooking the night sky of Manhattan. The women in the room are all spectacular. They are powerful and full of compassion. I am so impressed with them.
We wrote in our journals and at the end of the exercise, I asked myself if I am able to post my thoughts "out there." I thought that putting these words on this blog might make them more powerful. So I'm taking the leap and this is part of what I wrote tonight about how I'm feeling right now:
What have I made of myself (not my life) and what will/can I be? Why do I feel that everything is possible and yet not at the same time? How can I be so fearless in asking and doing and never feel as though I have succeeded?
Will I ever be able to ask for anything without fear or anger? Or Shame?
There is so much more. I'm not ready to put the other thoughts out there just yet. Maybe I will soon. Maybe not. But in the meantime, I have a lot of thinking to do. And tonight I realized that I am ALLOWED to have these feelings. I don't know when I'll be able to speak things freely, but for today (one of the worst in my life barring death of a loved one), I will go to sleep feeling loved, appreciated and a little more complete knowing that although I don't have the family born to me, I have the most amazing family of friends. And that love feels better than almost any love I've ever felt from those who are supposed to love me.
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