I don't make mistakes -- I'm making learning moments

Of course I make mistakes -- all the time.  But now I'm taking a different view of these actions. I want to see each decision as an opportunity to learn about myself and why I make the decisions I make.  I want to be more conscience in my actions and not so reactive.  I've lived my life in a reactive mode - an emotional reactive mode and this hasn't served me well.  It's time for something different.

I was very lucky to have spent the last 5 months working in Amsterdam (well to be honest I called the town the "Valrico" of Amsterdam).  And I loved it.  I loved being in Europe and with new people.  I enjoyed the work (most of the time) and the travel.  I was able to spend time with a dear friend and her family and it was very special for me.  I hope I have the chance to go back soon.

I also found myself emotionally responding to situations without being in better . . . awareness (good word here) of the consequences to follow.  I like to believe I have a good way with people and while I don't believe everyone will love me, I now also realize I can't make everyone happy.  I don't have to make people like me -- nor do I need to make people happy all the time.  It's not my role.

What I do need to do is find a better way not to take so much personally and not get so emotionally attached.  I always thought if I showed how much I care then I would be treated with the same respect.  Not true.  Clearly I need to learn a better way to express how I care without being off putting to those who don't understand.

I care too much.  I didn't think that possible but it is.  And I think I frighten people because of it.  And then there's wearing my heart on my sleeve.  That doesn't serve me well either.  I think about the character Meryl Streep played in "The Devil Wears Prada."  While much of her demeanor was cold and cruel, the part I admired was the control and the lack of visible emotion.

So here's the plan -- don't react -- stop - think - respond if needed.   I don't need to respond to everything.  And maybe there is more value to listening and waiting.  I'm going to try this and see what happens.  

And thank you to those who brought me this lesson.  I appreciate the growth.

Did THE ONE get away?

I saw a movie called "Something Borrowed" and it made me think a LOT!!!  So much to consider.  And then a friend sent me an email stating she had a dream of my wedding.  She even described my husband as someone looking like Harry Connick, Jr.  Not too shabby.  :)  

So the question has to be . . . where is he?  And then what am I doing?  Right or wrong?  Is this such an elusive process?  Why is relationship so difficult?

I've met wonderful men in my life.  I realized recently that (other than my Dad and Step-Father) I've had 6 significant relationships with men in my life.  These are what I consider the set points.

First there was LL: My first crush on a gay man -- so many to follow but hey -- I was a musical theatre major -- no great shock.  I consider consider him a friend even today and we met the summer we were 8 years old.  LL was so handsome (still is) -- dark hair and eyes (almost black) and so talented.  We sang together and talked about living in NY.

The same summer there was SK.  For the life of me I can't find him today -- and I've looked because I am so curious.  He was from New Orleans and adorable.  He was my 1st kiss and gave me a bracelet with my name on it.  I still have it -- from Ghost Town.  I never had anything with my name.  I've looked on FB and Google'd him but I didn't find anything.  I hope he's well.  He taught me I am lovable and pretty.  I felt so special with him.

Not until I was 17 did I have another significant relationship.  And then came BKV.  We met at a club (and sure, I shouldn't have been there).  It was a scene out of a movie -- I was wearing a black & white striped mini dress and I climbed up into the DJ booth to request a song.  Coming down my heel got caught in the ladder and I almost fell, but BKV caught me in his arms.  He was 26 and of course I lied about my age.  And so handsome.  He looked just like Michael Nouri in Flashdance.  I was IN LOVE.  We met the night before Mother's Day.  He was kind and gentle and taught me about love.  He made me feel safe.  He told me stories about how we'll be together always and I imagined a life with him.  But then it was time for me to go off to college but I thought we could still make it work.  We tried but it wasn't realistic.  We stayed in touch for a while and a few years later we tried to reconnect.  I believe I really loved him at 17 but 5 years later, I wasn't the same.  I have no idea where he is now but I hope well.   I have wonderful memories of that short time together.

And then came DKR.  He was my neighbor -- actually lived in my backyard.  I was living in a house and he rented the guesthouse.  Swarthy and charming (he reminded me of Robert Downey, Jr.).  He was single minded about work and having fun but I was looking for a relationship.  When I look back I didn't give up and twisted myself all around to be what I thought he wanted me to be.  I guess it worked -- he stuck around.  So we gave it a shot and the 1st six months were . . . pretty awful.  I would have preferred to say they were blissful and joyful.  But that would be such a lie. After what I recall was about 6 weeks, he was living a car ride about 3.5 hours away.  I think I thought it would be glamorous and we would have fun on weekends, but it wasn't.  And so when he came back full time and asked to move in with me I said  . . . YES?!  What was I thinking -- oh yeah -- I want a RELATIONSHIP and I guess being happy wasn't part of the consideration.  To be honest, there wasn't anything special.  He didn't do special things.  I made the mistake thinking it would become more later.  And here's what I know: I can't make something happen when it isn't there.  And sex (no matter how great that is) it doesn't make a full relationship.    But I let him in -- lock, stock and barrel.  He moved into my apartment (I had a new place since we met), into my life and into my heart and I continued to try to make myself into someone he would love.  UGH!!!!  What was I thinking?  Oh -- I was in my mid 20's and I thought I should get married and have a family -- AT ANY COST.  There were some good times, but this was not the man for me.  

Something recently made me ask the question about why I pick the men I pick so I reached out to DKR and we talked.  He said some interesting things.  I asked why he didn't pick me -- he went on the marry someone and have a family.  And while I know (and this is with the clearest certainty) that we should not have been together, he didn't ask.  His answer was kind and generous and much to my surprise, nothing about me (funny how we always think it's about ourselves).

I am grateful for every relationship in my life.  There are 2 more to review . . . later.

I need to find my dream . . . but once I do:

Five Ways You Can Fight To Keep Your Dreams Alive

• Write Your Dream Down – And Read It Daily. It’s no surprise that if you sign up for my free personal development training course, we dig into this right away. I literally read my life purpose daily – out loud. In addition, I sit on my balcony and take a break for at least 10 minutes every day – a luxury I know not everyone has – and think about my life purpose, my dreams, and my passions.
• Just Spend Five Minutes A Day On It.  One sinister trap we fall into with our dreams is envisioning them as these big all or nothing pursuits. We think to ourselves that there’s not enough time in the day, and anything worth doing is doing right. I agree – but if you don’t give yourself a taste of what it’s like, you’ll lose that hunger. Commit to small actions daily, and you’ll find yourself pushing harder to make time for your dreams. Which leads me into…
• Give Something Else Up So You Can Spend Time On It.  I’ve talked about dropping commitments before, and I am going to let you in on a powerful secret. The secret is this: when you want to work on your dreams, and you say “I wish I could, but I really have to _____”, those magic words have just revealed to you where you can make time for your dreams.  Of course, if you don’t know what is eating up your time, you know the two solutions: the time log and the time budget.
• Have Your Friends Support You And Keep You Accountable.  It’s sometimes challenging to keep yourself motivated when you’re the only one responsible for your dreams.  I have some great friends who I regularly get together with, review my progress with in mastermind calls or talk with via email.  Their advice helps move me forward, while their encouragement helps me keep my dreams alive.
• Visualize Yourself Living It.  I like visualizing my dreams. It sounds so much more productive than saying “I sit around in my pajamas and daydream.” I admit it – there are times where I just relax and daydream. In addition to that, I try to visualize not just the end state (which I am not sure is discernible from my daydreaming!), but also visualize the steps I take to get there. I also imagine how that moment feels, my thoughts, my personality – and that slowly changes me. For example, I’ve become much more assertive over the years, and I attribute that at least in part to visualizing myself as a confident, assertive person.

I welcome 2012!!!

It's a chance to start something new and fresh.  It's the opportunity for a new start and I welcome it.  I am looking forward to this new year.  I have many plans and ideas to make this an amazing year.

I started the year with good friends.  No great resolutions, but instead simply a mission to be as good to myself as I am to others.  I have the intention to make each and every day meaningful and at the very least do one thing positive for myself.

For day one I spent time with a great friend (S.) -- watched 2 terrific movies, ate amazing salmon (thank you B.) and bought tickets to see "Godspell" - can't wait.

Day 2 -- get all the laundry done, set the self cleaner on the oven (so I don't smoke out the apartment the next time I use it) and a good workout.  A good day.

And most important of all -- I will do my best not to beat myself up when I don't make this all happen.  I'm not an idiot to think that someone who says they love me will really change.  I'm disappointed and sad but I can't make anyone do anything.  I need to let it go.  Oh -- there's something to shoot for in 2012.

And here's the biggest one of all -- and I hate to be such a cliché, but I want to be AUTHENTIC!!  I want to be honest with myself.  I am going to create a real plan with to-do's.  That helps me.  I'll work on that today.

It's going to be a good day -- and a good year.

Marriage . . .

Growing up I always thought I would be married by 25 (or so) and that one man was out there for me.  I guess he hasn't found me -- YET!  And I'm okay with this.  I know in my heart that my time will come.  I have to live each moment and focus on what is important.

That being said, I am amazed at how others view relationships and the need for having one in life.  Sure, being alone in the world isn't easy.  But being with someone because being alone isn't tolerable isn't about relationship with another -- I see it as a problem with being with one's self.

For the past few years I've been spending holidays with "family."  Thanksgiving this year was in a beautiful place -- the beach home of my dearest friends K&E.  This is a special location and I can't wait to go back.  It was a special week of laughter and love.  They have 2 of the most amazing girls -- O & C (11 & 7 years of age) and "Mom" was there too.  We shopped, spent time in the glorious sun on the beach and drank great cocktails and wine.  We spent time with beach friends who also have homes there and we cooked up a storm.  Making T-day dinner is a joy and we have such fun.  Our new tradition is to prepare everything thursday morning and by 11 am, the bird is in the oven and we're at the beach enjoying a terrific Bloody Mary to get the day started.

We spent the week together and then I spent 3 days alone in the house.  This is a big house and many would say "why would you want to be there ALONE?"  It isn't that I want to be alone.  But I like myself enough and relish in the quiet time.  I read and relaxed.  I walked on the beach, watched good movies and went for an amazing 2 hour massage.  I cooked (something I love to do) and celebrated who I am.

All the while I had a lingering pain in my heart for another member of my family who can't ever be alone.  Anyone who meets her would think -- WOW!  This is a woman who has accomplished a great deal.  She been blessed with great success and lives a blessed life.  But I know this woman better than anyone and while the image presents one thing, the reality is entirely something else.


With one 22 year marriage that produced 2 children but wasn't a joyful one and a 2nd marriage that lasted even longer than the first was full of love and laughter -- it was a special love with so many blessings.


And so now this woman is engaged again.  And the last husband died tragically less than a year ago.  This man is someone I've never met.  He is 9 years younger than she and has 6 children.  I've been told the younger 2 are very young (maybe 9 and 13) and the older 4 don't speak with their father.  I don't have any details. 


But this woman, who so clearly isn't capable of being alone, is planning now to marry this man she's known for only a few months -- who by her own telling is unemployed, has no prospects and no money of his own.  Just looking at this scenario is frightening and where is the logic in all of this?  What makes this man desirable?  What make this story anything but suspicious?


So now I have a choice to make.  I need to know how to deal with all of this and I am so thankful for all the support and love I'm receiving.  Thank you dear friends for making a family for me.  


I know being alone isn't an ideal.  We all want someone to share life's highs and lows.  And I know I'll always be blessed with wonderful people in my life.  And I know there is a special man out there.  So I will continue to work on myself to be the best possible woman I can be and ready for him when he arrives.  I know that I need to have my complete self to offer in a relationship to make it something special.  As I want to find that man who also has his complete self to offer.


And until that day comes, I will be okay being alone -- because it never has to mean I'm lonely but it means I am strong enough and secure enough to enjoy my own company.

My heart has to be open to hear it.

What a profound and true statement.  And I have always thought it was.  But now I'm questioning this statement and where I thought I've been.  And how do I make this happen?

I have spent my life wearing my heart on my sleeve.  I've never been one to be shy about showing my feelings and have been told more than once that I can be so emotional -- this reminds me how this was never a positive statement and that should have been appreciated -- not criticized.  I've responded to my heart far more than my head and I know I've paid a price for that.  And since I don't believe in living with regret, I'm okay with this.  I have always felt I need to follow my heart.

But is it my heart leading me and I'm not really listening closely to allow it to tell me to where I need to be.  I have been reactive to my heart and not proactive to what my heart has to say.

What is my calling?  Who am I supposed to be?  A huge question but something that is front and center in my thoughts these days.  So I am putting this out to the "world" this morning and it is something I want to consider.  And I am going to try to be open to listening to what my heart is telling me where I need to be.  I know there is something more to come right now.  I can hear that I'm not exactly where I should be at this moment and I believe there is something coming.  And I am excited about this -- sure a little nervous, but this can be something great!  I'm open to that.

Never said better.

When I heard that Oprah was ending her show I really wasn't remotely interested.  I've never been what she's been calling her "Ultimate Fan."  I've enjoyed many of the shows and sure, there have been many memorable moments, but I did't connect with HER.  It's a shame that I was never able to see a show live, but it certainly isn't on a list of great regrets (actually I don't believe in regret but all the same . . . ).

But I will admit that I've been watching the last of her shows.  I figured these would be the best ones ever.  I can DVR them and if I don't have any interest -- DELETE.  It's so simple.

So as the days came closer to the end of the run, I found myself actually enjoying all the shows.  In the last week there were the final 3 and wow!  The first 2 had loads of amazing celebs and great music.  There was one of the most empowering and touching moments when all the men Oprah put through Moorehouse College came to honor her -- there were about 400 of them.  It brought me to tears.  I was impressed with the impact she makes in the world.  I thought if only I had that kind of power and influence.

And then I realized I do.  Well, certainly not the money -- FUNNY -- not even worth wasting the time to think about that part of it, but I do have influence.  I realized I love the volunteer work I do with A More Perfect Union.  I love working with the women and delivering the program.  I would love to do more and find a way to grow the program.  More on this later.

And then there was the final show.  I was expecting as I'm sure most were some extravaganza.  I thought there would be gifts galore and some off the chart celebrity.  Boy was I wrong.  And I am so glad I was. Oprah called it her "Love Letter" to her fans.  It was an hour of Oprah simply standing on her stage and talking.  No gifts, no special surprises, no celebrities.  And I couldn't have been happier.

She also published the speech on her website and that made me even happier because what she said struck a cord in me that took my breath away.  And this is part of what moved me:

• Because whether it's heroin addiction or gambling addiction or shopping addiction or food addiction, work addiction, the root is all the same. The show has taught me there is a common thread that runs through all of our pain and all of our suffering, and that is unworthiness. Not feeling worthy enough to own the life you were created for. Even people who believe they deserve to be happy and have nice things often don't feel worthy once they have them. 
• There is a difference, you know, between thinking you deserve to be happy and knowing you are worthy of happiness.
• What I got was we often block our own blessings because we don't feel inherently good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or worthy enough. From Jacqui Saburido—her face literally melted by the flames ignited from a car accident with a drunk driver—to Monica George—remember her? The mother with a young daughter and a brand new baby who lost both her arms and both legs—the show has taught me you're worthy because you are born and because you are here. Your being here, your being alive makes worthiness your birthright. You alone are enough.
• I've talked to nearly 30,000 people on this show, and all 30,000 had one thing in common: They all wanted validation. If I could reach through this television and sit on your sofa or sit on a stool in your kitchen right now, I would tell you that every single person you will ever meet shares that common desire. They want to know: 'Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?'
• Understanding that one principle, that everybody wants to be heard, has allowed me to hold the microphone for you all these years with the least amount of judgment. Now I can't say I wasn't judging some days. Some days, I had to judge just a little bit. But it's helped me to stand and to try to do that with an open mind and to do it with an open heart. It has worked for this platform, and I guarantee you it will work for yours. Try it with your children, your husband, your wife, your boss, your friends. Validate them. 'I see you. I hear you. And what you say matters to me.

Is it possible that something so complex could be so universal?  Thank you Oprah for giving me the words I've needed to express how I really feel.